Der meldes fra førerbunkeren

Kældermennesket Joe Biden er kommet ud af sin kælder. Det sker så sjældent, at vi synes, vi vil bringe hans tale i dens fulde længde.

Good evening my fellow Americans. A year ago, we were hit with a virus.

Or so I’m told. I didn’t go out much.

I still don’t. I’m not taking any questions at this point.

You lost your job or closed your business, facing eviction, homelessness, hunger, a loss of control. But I know that you, my fellow Americans in a certain income bracket, firmly believe that it was worth it to get rid of that racist in the White House.

This virus has kept us apart. Of course, Me Too and LGBT have helped too – we now all hate each other.

Last summer, I was in Philadelphia, and I met a small business owner, a woman, whose store had been smashed by Black Lives Matter. I asked her, I said, “what do you need most?”

I will never forget what she said to me. She said, looking me in the eye, and she said, “I just want the truth – just tell me the truth.”

It’s scary to think that there are still people like that. That’s why I’m not taking any questions and using every power I have as the president of the United States to put us on a war footing.

Sounds like hyperbole, but we are literally bombing the hell out of people. Instead of bombs, that racist in the White House manufactured and purchased hundreds of millions of doses of safe, effective vaccines.

I don’t know why he did that, but it probably has something to do with his being racist. And let me be clear.

That doesn’t mean everyone’s going to have that shot immediately, but it means you’ll be able to get in line beginning May 1. I’ve had it, and all my friends, and eventually, you’ll have it, if you don’t die first in one of my wars.

America needs you, the American people. The military–industrial complex needs you, and I need you.

I need every American to do their part – over there. And that’s not hyperbole.

I say it to every foreign leader: America is coming back. We will bury you.

We need everyone to stay socially distanced, black and white, man and woman, straight and gay, but first and last: rich and poor. Some people think that we’re socialists.

That’s ridiculous. We don’t like poor people.

They are far right. They’re racist.

We, on the other hand, have no prejudices against anyone in our own income bracket. I also love children.

I’m not crazy about the racist First Amendment, but I believe firmly in the right to petition the government. Send Hillary a million dollars, and I’ll see what I can do.

And by the way, I’m still not taking any questions. Not even the one most often asked by the press core, how it can be that I’m so incredibly wonderful, and not at all racist.

And may God protect our troops. I look forward to seeing you at my next press conference in 2023.